Friday, October 10, 2014
Blog Post #2
I have visited this place many times throughout my life. Although I haven't visited my favorite place recently. My favorite place is very remote, and filled with wildlife. To get to my favorite place it takes a long journey. Which is probably a reason I haven't visited in a while. This place is filled with sand, and water. I might even see a waterfall throughout my journey. I love to visit this place because it is away from everything. I don't have phone service, and since it SO remote there are no people in this place. For generations my family has journeyed to this place. My uncle took me here for the first time when I was around the age of 5. He told me stories about the first time his father took him to that place. He was about the same age that I was, and his father told him a similar story. So this place has been shared with many generations before me. It was amazing because I realized that my ancestors have walked that same path for hundreds of years. That goes to show how special this particular place is. That same story is the relevant to everything in my culture. Dances, gatherings, fishing methods, creation of tools, basketry, language, etc. These are all traditional, and have been passed down to us from hundreds of generations before us. In fact, today I danced to represent my family and tribe as a blessing for the grand opening of the recently finished dock in our town. My favorite place symbolizes so much in my life.
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I liked how you included that it is an important part of your ancestry! However, I feel that I never really arrived at your special place; I'm still on the journey there.
ReplyDeleteAuston,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the fact that you are respectful and honorable to your heritage, and that shows. I did find a few typos..
Sentence# 5- " Which is probably a reason I haven't visited..." [ replacing "a reason" with one reason or the reason, may better portray your thought.]
#9- "...and since it SO..." [ There may be a missing work here]
#11- "My uncle took me here..." [this should be there, for past tense]
#16- "That same story is the relevant to everything in my culture." [Missing a word, but perhaps something like {Cultural heritage is as prominent today as it was in the time of my ancestors} or [Cultural legends have been passed across many generations, and are vital to our livelihood.]? could help your vision.]
#17- "Dances, gatherings, fishing methods,creation of tools, basketry, language, etc." [This is not a complete sentence.]
I am so sorry for leaving such a long (&critical) post. Please understand I am not trying to display any negative words/feelings toward you. I just feel that a few tweaks may highlight your vision and excel it to another level.
Thank you for sharing, Cheryl
Very nice. I enjoyed reading about your special place having to do with you heritage and generations before.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, this is a freewrite, so I'm not going to be as critical of grading this blog because of that. I appreciate Cheryl's feedback and hope you will take it as that, feedback. :) It's a learning tool. :)
ReplyDeleteI will agree with Mary, though, that you had us anticipaitng the place without ever getting us there, so you will want to be specific with those details about a place. I loved that focused on your culture and upbringing. That's great.
I actually feel terrible about giving critical feedback. This is the first time I have ever had to critique others, openly. Clearly I fall short. I just fear that if I reply "I liked the part where..." one more time. I will not get the full points in "response to others". I'll have to figure out the middle ground? Again, I am not trying to be harsh, this is just how I look over my kids' papers (High-School).
ReplyDelete